“Reality is a controlled hallucination.” —Anil Seth, Professor of Cognitive and Computational Neuroscience, University of Sussex
Did you happen to meet someone for the first time during the COVID pandemic?
If you did, and they were wearing a mask, your brain probably imagined the rest of their face, trying to fill in the blanks and give you a complete picture of how they looked.
Did you find yourself surprised when you eventually saw the same person unmasked?
If so, here’s what probably happened: There was an incongruity between the image your brain conjured vs what their face actually looked like. Maybe the smile was different, the jawline more square, or the chin just…not quite what you had imagined.
Regardless, you then had to ‘update’ your mental image to match reality.
Now pause for a moment.
Your brain is going through this process all the time.
Our brains are designed to make predictions. It’s part of our hard-wired survival instinct. And since we really don’t have enough information to analyze every person, conversation, or situation from scratch, we constantly fill in missing pieces using past experiences, beliefs, memories, and expectations.
It’s incredibly efficient—but when we rely too heavily on these assumptions it can lead us astray.
Separating Observation From Assumption
Filling in the blanks isn’t a bad thing. After all, it’s how we make sense of the world around us.
But if we blindly mistake assumptions for facts, our brains start to weave narratives that may or may not line up with reality.
Just think about what happens when you see someone with a certain bumper sticker or hat. Your brain starts writing a story about their political beliefs, personality traits, intentions, confidence, competence, or even their attitude—all based on remarkably little information.
The same thing happens throughout the workday, as you interact with your team members or clients. Subconsciously, you interpret signals and make micro judgments based on the data available.
If you rely on those assumptions during meetings, difficult conversations, or moments of conflict, you risk making decisions based on an incomplete or incorrect conclusion.
After decades of working in a corporate setting and coaching leaders, I’ve found one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves is, “What do I actually know, and what story might I be creating?”
That single question grounds us in reality, forcing us to distinguish between observation and assumption.
For example…
➡️ “She missed two deadlines” is an observation.
➡️ “She’s lazy” is an assumption.
Both might be true, but only one is a verifiable fact. The other is a hypothesis until proven.
Replacing Certainty with Curiosity
Effective leaders resist the urge to draw quick conclusions. Instead, they recognize that there may be information they don’t yet have, and become curious enough to seek it out before making a judgment.
How does that play out in practice?
➡️ Consider alternatives
First, actively generate alternative explanations instead of settling on the first story your brain offers. For example, if someone shows up late to a meeting, you can practice thinking:
- Maybe they’re disengaged.
- Maybe they’re overwhelmed.
- Maybe they misunderstood expectations.
- Maybe something difficult happened before they walked into the meeting.
The fact is, you don’t know yet. By keeping multiple explanations alive, you prevent the first assumption from becoming a permanent belief.
➡️ Ask clarifying questions
Instead of assuming you already know the answer, ask questions like:
- “Can you help me understand what happened?”
- “Walk me through your thinking.”
- “Here’s what I’m observing. Is that how you see it?”
- “Tell me more about that.”
The purpose of these questions isn’t to prove yourself wrong. It’s to make sure you’re seeing the situation as accurately as possible before deciding what it means.
➡️ Listen to understand
In my workshops, I often ask participants, “Are you listening to understand, or are you listening to respond?”
Too often, we’re mentally preparing our response, defending our position, or looking for evidence that confirms what we already believe. We may hear the other person’s words, but we’re filtering them through the story we’ve already created.
Listening to understand requires setting aside that internal story long enough to fully absorb what the other person is saying, giving them the opportunity to provide context you may not have considered.
When we combine genuine curiosity with an open mind, clarifying questions, and intentional listening, we begin replacing assumptions with understanding.
We stop reacting to the version of reality our brain constructed, and start responding to what’s actually there.
