“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” —Eleanor Roosevelt
“You’re overreacting.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You should let it go.”
“That’s just the way they are—stop making it a thing.”
Do any of these sound familiar?
It’s a terrible feeling when someone makes a comment like this to your face. Even worse if it’s a close family member.
In my experience, it usually goes like this…
Someone says something triggering and hurtful to you. So you tell them how you feel. Then suddenly…you’re the bad guy. The one who’s ruining the gathering by being too ‘sensitive.’
The initial comment is bad enough, but the gaslighting is the cherry on top.
As many of us are preparing for winter break and holiday events this month, it’s a good time to address this familiar issue: upsetting interactions at family gatherings.
How do you deal with them?
Triggers & Trauma
Family gatherings can be a hotbed for old wounds to resurface.
I remember one Christmas in particular—my freshman year of college, when a family member commented on my weight gain in front of everyone.
It was beyond humiliating.
The shame that I felt was so consuming that I withdrew emotionally from the gathering and fought back tears for the rest of the day.
When someone in my immediate family asked what was wrong and I shared why I was so upset, they chastised me for being so sensitive and added, “she was only telling you the truth.”
Double whammy.
The truth is, I struggled with an eating disorder throughout high school and for many years afterwards. For decades, in fact, I tied my weight to my self-worth. So that off-handed comment didn’t just sting; it tapped into my greatest insecurity.
Taking Back Control
If my story brings up similarly uncomfortable memories for you, rest assured you’re not alone. The context may be completely different, but the feelings these situations unveil rarely make for happy holiday memories.
It would be awesome if we could stop other people from saying things that hurt, but their actions are completely out of our control. Our reactions, however, are not.
So, what happens in our brains and bodies when we’re faced with triggering words or behavior?
Most of us go into one of four modes: fight (argument), flight (leave), shut down (emotionally distant for the remainder of the gathering), or people-please.
When we go into one of these modes, we’re defaulting to a trauma response: a defensive measure to protect ourselves from further harm.
It’s tough to break out of the body’s natural trauma response. But it’s not impossible.
It starts with the relationship between thoughts and feelings. (By the way, a large part of neuropsychology is devoted to studying this connection.) Changing our thoughts, can influence our feelings, breaking cycles of trauma and negative emotions.
Instead of forcing yourself to “stay calm,” step away, or tolerate what hurts at a family gathering, try some of the following techniques:
- Use the SCFL framework to notice negative thought patterns and flip them around.
- Use “both/and” thinking: Also known as dialectical thinking, this is a form of reframing that acknowledges two things can be true at once. Instead of thinking, “They said something hurtful so I can’t enjoy this anymore,” try “They said something hurtful, but there are also other people to talk to and other things to enjoy. I’m going to focus on those.”
- Practice self-compassion: Beating yourself up only makes you feel worse. Be gentle with yourself, especially if you believe that the triggering comment is true. Instead of thinking “I deserve it, because it’s true,” try “I am still learning and growing. Just because this is true doesn’t mean I should feel ‘less than’ or like I deserve to be ridiculed.”
- Reframe unhelpful thoughts: Challenge yourself to reframe negative thoughts into more helpful ones, like “I’ve dealt with comments like this before and I’m getting better at responding to them each time” or “This hurts, but instead of letting one person ruin my experience, I’m going to direct my attention to other things.”
Practices like these can raise self-awareness and create enough space to regulate our nervous system before responding.
When we do, we can shift out of reactivity and respond in a grounded, measured way—which is where real empowerment lives.
What better gift could you give yourself?
Wishing you a peaceful holiday season.
