“By staying quiet… The conflict takes place in our minds rather than in conversation, and, as a result, it has the opportunity to deepen and become ingrained.” —Andy Lopata, Psychology Today
Most major workplace conflicts don’t spring up overnight. They are usually brewing in the background for a long time before they reach a critical point—all because a conversation that needed to happen didn’t.
What do I mean by that?
One of the clearest examples I can share is the case of a client whose colleague had a habit of interrupting and over-talking in meetings. My client tried to brush it off, but with each instance she became increasingly irritated, not just by the interruptions themselves, but by the disrespect they implied.
She started to assume, “My colleague doesn’t respect what I have to say.” Her irritation, originally aimed at the behavior, became pointed at the person.
Still, she chose not to say anything.
You can probably guess where this is going.
Eventually, all those months of interruptions and accumulated frustration boiled over in one moment, and she snapped at her colleague during a routine meeting.
For so long, she thought she had been avoiding confrontation. But she hadn’t avoided it at all.
All she had done was postpone the conversation, until she was angry enough that it came out in a way she regretted.
The Cost of Staying Silent
Although this is one isolated case, you’ll find that many workplace conflicts follow the same pattern:
- An irritating behavior goes unaddressed. Maybe someone has a habit of interruption, consistently showing up late, dominating meetings, or failing to follow through. Others are irritated…but don’t speak up.
- Resentment slowly builds. The longer it goes unresolved, the more people start to assign meaning to the behavior and build an internal narrative. Every subsequent incident becomes another piece of evidence. Team members start to think, “There she goes again.” “He always does this.” Or, “They have no respect for anyone else’s time.”
- The team dynamic suffers. Meetings become less productive. Sometimes people start to complain to each other, or work around a certain colleague instead of including them. Meanwhile, the person with the behavior issue may not even be aware there’s a problem.
- The situation blows up. The end result is almost always the same. Eventually, all that pent-up frustration comes pouring out…usually when we least want it to 😅.
Notice how slowly it escalates?
At the beginning, staying silent may feel like the best way to avoid conflict.
But when we don’t address a recurring behavior early, we can allow something relatively manageable to become a much bigger problem than it needs to be. Waiting until it’s the last straw hurts both us and the other person, who may wonder, “Why are you only telling me this now?”
The key to breaking this pattern is going all the way back to Step 1 and addressing the behavior instead of brushing it off.
How to Resolve Issues Before They Escalate
Confronting a colleague is never easy. So before addressing a colleague’s behavior, make sure it’s a repeated behavior and that it actually warrants a conversation. Not every annoying habit needs to be addressed.
But if it is affecting your ability to work together, the sooner you address it, the better.
The more frustration you’ve accumulated, the harder it becomes to have a measured, productive conversation. (If you’re thinking, “I cannot take one more minute of this,” you’ve probably waited too long.)
At this point you may have a specific colleague in mind. My best advice is to go into the conversation prepared to address the behavior, not the story you’ve created around it.
When you actually sit down with your colleague to confront the issue, here are some guidelines you can follow to help keep the exchange respectful and productive:
- Separate what you know from what you’re assuming. If someone repeatedly interrupts you, that’s a fact. It may seem like they don’t respect you or are deliberately trying to undermine you, but keep in mind that those are assumptions until proven otherwise.
- Start with an observation, not an accusation. “I’m noticing that you’ve been talking over me quite a bit in our meetings” is very different from “You never let me finish a sentence.”
- Explain the impact. Help the person understand why you’re raising the issue. For example, “When the reports come in late, it puts the rest of the team behind because they’re waiting for that information.” This keeps the conversation focused on the consequences of the behavior rather than on what you think it says about the person.
- Be clear about what needs to change. Respectful doesn’t have to mean vague. A direct statement such as, “Going forward, we need to have the report by noon on Tuesday so the team can stay on schedule,” sets clear expectations. You can be direct without being confrontational.
- Leave room for information you may not have. Rather than assuming you know why something is happening, ask and take time to listen. There may be context you’re unaware of, and knowing it could change the conversation. “Help me understand why…” is a measured and firm way to inquire.
These conversations are never comfortable to have. But having them before situations escalate can prevent much larger workplace conflicts down the road.
